Who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is in the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out roots by the stream, & does not fear when heat comes for its leaves remain green, & is not anxious in the year of droubt, for it does not cease to bear fruit.
October 16, 2016- grieving settling (or trying to) back in the states
But,
I miss atole
I miss hierba buena tea
I miss dipping tostadas gigantes with that hot tea when we didn’t have bread to dip in the tea
I miss getting fresh eggs from our hens each morning
And raising chickens and the chore I had a few times to kill to the chicken we were to eat for the lunch meal that day.
I miss the view from the roof top over the city of Querétaro.
I miss the view from the roof of my house in Oaxaca, with a view over the coconut palms to all the way to the shore and now I am remembering the view from Snoopy Rock or from one of the orange trees at RSM.
I miss the miles of wild flowers and rock in Amealco.
I miss Caro.
I miss eating cactus fruit.
Aw.
So much history.
How can I keep from remembrance. All the memories flood back at night. I see everything so clearly as if I was there again, in each place again. Experiencing. It all is going so fast. I used to think each next step was so scary but I was always willing; then I made it through… now each next step is easier in faith and obedience.
But even so, there is so much I am leaving behind not being in Mexico. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and I don’t know what to do.
I’m in awe of where I am at presently. I feel like it is an honor to be here. But all I’ve known for a so long, is there.
I feel sadness rising up in me. A sadness I haven’t felt before. All I know to do is to give it up to Jesus. I am hurting a lot and it is hard to adjust to this new way of doing life. How much am I suppose to adjust and how much am I not? Is one culture more important than the other? I am physically IN one culture but feel like my soul isn’t, my experiences aren’t here. I don’t even know. All I know is this is hard and I NEED to rise up higher and see. I need to see like Jesus sees. I will drown if I don’t rise above. What is God saying about all of this?
He is so kind. His love is deep and wide for a reason. It reaches our deepest being.
Myself and others are hungry, hungry and waiting for what we think will satisfy us.
I know how I appear, I know my poverty and that I am broken.
I know that I am in need. Gathered around dirty and desperate.
We have been eating trash… but trash is not all I’ve ever known. At one time I knew life, I knew bread without blemish. Somehow I ended up here. Somehow I’ve settled for this.
Moldy and stale bread has “filled” our bellies.
As I wiped the leftover trash crumbs off of my face I saw someone a few feet away. He’d always been there but all of a sudden I took notice of Him. He was a familiar beauty that I hadn’t seen in so long. His eyes burned with love, passionate. Love that was kind, not arrogant or rude.
There, in His hand He showed us a single loaf of bread and offered it. Not the kind we’d been used to consuming, but something familiar. It was bread that I once knew, the bread I know I’ve tasted before. Bread without blemish, without dirt… and certainly not someone else’s leftovers.
I knew right away that which He offered was more than bread, it was freedom. You could see it in the expression on his face and from his body language. But, it seemed that no one else noticed or wanted to take the free gift. They hardly saw Him as they continued fighting over the trash. The pile of trash. I knew we had been shoveling in mouthfulls and yet there was an emptiness which never truly satisfied.
I walked over closer now to Him looking into His eyes, wanting all that He offered. He SAW and knew the battle I was in and His arms stretched out to me further even. His eyes filled with tears of compassion still, allowing me to choose. I felt such grandness of impossibility taking up space in my own understanding… How could it be safe to leave the pile I grew to survive on? How could I walk away from the unquenchable desperation? The decision was made. My eyes filling with water and my throat burning, I turned back to the others and sat. I picked up a scrap of old bread and continued to eat the trash… sobbing in self pity and grief the whole time.
And the One whose eyes burned with love was still there… His arms open with provision in His hands, unmoving.
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This was an open vision I had while sitting in Spanish school in Oaxaca on a break in 2014. I didn’t know what to do with it then and thought it was all about me. As I may have had a soul scene like this for a season, I knew it wasn’t for just myself. The word came back to me this year. I know it is a now word. Many, today, are settling for trash. Convincing ourselves that this world or that sitting in pain/shame cycles will fill. Interestingly enough, this trash that we have been binging on still never satisfies. The self pity we are sitting in is exchangeable. There is something better. Standing in front of us, we are offered the good stuff that you don’t have to fight to find…it is freely provided. Available is overflowing life where lack is non existant and there is no room for self pity. It takes a lot to stand up and walk away from the comfort of dysfunction. Not at all easy, but it really is simple. We have to decide to reach out and take it, forgetting all that we’ve known, forget all that we are comfortable with. Perhaps you’ve once tasted and have known the real bread, maybe you’ve seen hope and abundance at one time, but something has happened or something happened to you and well, here you are…this is where you’ve settled. Will I ever come out of this welfare-less dirty place? Will I ever taste hope again? Will I always fight and have to strive for something solid? Watching this scene play out in front of me I sat bawling in my chair, confused. Why did I not take what was obviously better, that which was obviously good, true, clean, & the real thing? It was free. It was more than I needed. We have to know, only He can satisfy this hunger. Truly, only Jesus has all we need and more. At any moment you and I can stand up and walk away from the mess I’ve settled in, walk away from self pity and stand in His confidence. There is more in the risk. There is more in the unknown. You were never meant to be your own savior. Look up and accept what is freely given. Time to leave the old and welcome the new.
At first it was out of defense. People were going to leave anyway. Things wouldn’t last long anyway. I figured I was safest going about life alone I didn’t fit the molds anyway.
Then I met God and He led me to keep letting go but not at all the same way. Let go of fear, let go of the things that never served me in my heart & mind. God never leaving, fully trustworthy, always present & willing to stick through the hard stuff… led me to let go again but maybe in a more frightening way. Walking with Him looks like entering into intimacy. Walls won’t last in his presence. So I let said yes. I let go again & again & again. So much surrender & such simple obedience. I know this is what shaped me & molded me… softened me when I was hard, rough & walled up. Oh, how I was walled up! Oh, my walls were so strong but I had them adorned with flowers. Cute, but still impossible to get through.
The surrendering brought a chisel-point jackhammer to my walls making in me vulnerable places. Exposed & weak. Surrender & soften. It was nothing I could ever bring about on my own. The jackhammer wasn’t my tool of choice, but it was the one needed to break through.
What got me though the crushing? Thankfulness for the end goal, awe & wonder throughout the process, trusting there was more, & deciding to stay engaged in each present moment. Self protection isn’t necessary with the one who is the best protector. One day I’ll figure this out in the depths of my being.
I heard once “you seem to have had it so easy walking with God.” Never easy, just responding “yes”, yes to all the demolition & holding on to the hope of renovation. It takes tuning your ear to hear. It takes a response & action when you hear the calling, the small voice inviting you into the uncomfortable, into risk, into more.
The work has been done, the work is being done. It has never been easy but it’s always been worth it. It’s not an exhausting striving in the process but rather a heart posture, a constant deciding in the spirit how you will live…what are you feeling & why? Look at it right away & let the light in.
The walls fall. Weakness isn’t what I once thought. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Learning to hold everything gently, be present & fully alive in all the moments, use my authority & let go of what you can’t hold on to.
There was a confused girl who wanted to please, wanted to do the right thing and be the right person for everyone but at the same time so fed up with rules, regulations, and happy faces. In the midst of life, in the midst of the norm, she had a fire burning inside of her that wanted out. It wanted to be released. She was tired of being told of only impossibilities, tired of all the limits set around her. Tired of control. Tired of making her self everyone’s savior. Tired of perfection and safety. She was tired of the robotic dreamless days that were all too common. Tired of apathy.
There came a point that she listened to the permission of her Father instead of every other voice, including her own doubts and fears. She listened to the permission from her God to burn.
That girl found her voice. She found her power. She found herself when she gave up all she knew. She found herself in the surrender. She felt all the heaviness lift off.
Shameless. Forgiven. On the edge of her wild “yes”. In her mourning she found joy. And yes, there was mourning. A lot of mourning. She didn’t know if she would get through the mourning. But hallelujah she did. And what a roar that burst forth! A roar of expression. It was joy that rose up in her. As she stared at fear in its face. Her eyes open now, she chose the walk of freedom, the walk of peace.
She no longer gave people permission to rule her decisions. She no longer tried to fix the messy. She let go of all fear, obligation, and guilt. They rolled off her back like water, and she stepped right over them as she walked on.
With the future bright ahead, where dreaming hadn’t been a consideration… now dreams opened up and possibilities bloomed.
Stuck wasn’t in her vocabulary.
“Grace had kissed her eyelids and wrapped her in their ropes.”
When you live a life of abandoned love, surrendered before the awe of God, here’s what you’ll experience: Abundant life. Continued protection. And complete satisfaction!” Proverbs 19:23 TPT
THAT is SO great. That doesn’t sound doubtful… it sounds pretty sure.
Take that in today.
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I’ve decided to use my Facebook Page @leavesandfruit to reach out to people and share my journey with anyone who is looking for hope and healing. It hasn’t been too easy having convictions that some people do not but this is my journey and we are not here to compare! Every day with Holy Spirit is new and His mercies are new too. I feel his grace to keep on. I am ready to share with others how I am doing as I explore this daily life of freedom and joy in creativity. Some things that are for me are not for everyone and that is OK.
While I was in dance class in high school I remember we were all improving as a whole in our technique but I felt like I was just barely getting by from each technique learned. We were tested only a few times a year on our technique and I prayed that my body would hold positions. One day we were going across the floor doing pirouettes and our teacher shouts out that now instead of 1 ½ or 2 we were to go for 3 turns. She completely expected us to be able to do it and believed in us. I’m sure my eyes grew open a few sizes. I started to get nervous as I had the desire to be at the same level as all the others and also to please my teacher… I knew I was able to do it randomly but not on the spot “across the floor” to the beat of the music. So it’s my turn, and the first try I get 1 ½ and then as I’m stepping into the next one I felt Jesus’ face in front of mine and he said “worship me/do it for me”. I planted one foot and pushed up through the foot and put everything into position and the eyes of my heart looked into the face of Jesus with no worry to perform for my teacher or “make it” and boom I did 4 turns right there, landed nicely and kept hitting 3 turns across the floor with a smile on my face worshipping the One who sees me. After that hour of class, I was changed. From then on I knew that my strength, my practice, my skills, my hard work was all for Jesus and from Jesus and He was really the only one that mattered. From then on I danced for Him and WITH him. HE loves to dance with us. Any time after that, when we had a test or performance, I danced with his eyes before mine and I knew that I worked hard but it was firstly all for him and then my teacher started to see a new confidence and I felt good no matter what.
This moment in my life and journey with dance marked me. Till this day, I have decided to dance for Jesus and with Jesus whenever I dance. That moment brings me to present day…7 years later. A few days ago I was with a group in Seattle Washington and more than ever I felt such permission to dance whenever I felt like it, to bless people, just because of joy, during worship at the church we were at etc. At one point our group was out at the University of Washington blessing the students and visitors on the campus with encouraging words, blessings or whatever we were led to do. I was walking with a woman named Maari who was willing to step out of comfort zones in order to love people the way they deserve to be loved, stepping out of the norm and say hello to strangers. She and I were walking around and we saw a beautiful bride and groom taking their wedding photos under the cherry blossom trees. We couldn’t seem to walk away from them. Maari is a photographer also so she ended up helping them with her dress and a few other details, and their photographer was blessed by that. Then she and I both loved the idea of me dancing over/around them and they wouldn’t know it but at the same time I would be praying a blessing over their marriage. I was prophesying over them with each movement of my body. This beautiful couple was ecstatic that I would even dance over their marriage. They were all smiles the whole time. Even when I finished dancing for them, joy was lit on their faces. Even without music, the peace and joy was felt. To me it felt a bit awkward at first but because it was for Jesus and because of Jesus, I didn’t give a crap. I was there to bless them and pass on the love that he so lavishly gives. I wanted them to see and feel his love. The awkwardness is now irrelevant. This opportunity to dance drew a crowd and I got to share with a few curious bystanders the reason why I danced and give them prophetic words too. Now it doesn’t matter where I am, if there is music or not dancing is my portion… it is more than expressing myself it is also prophetic and intercession. With each move, I get to proclaim the goodness or God to the world in every season and circumstance.
I went on a trip up to Seattle, Washington for a week… a week of lavishing love, hope, and joy. I had the opportunity on this trip to be on the creative outreach team. We decided to activate as a team by taking risks throughout our time on the trip. We were asked this question- What does risk look like for you on this trip? and that was what we were to go after. We got to dream with God and too see miracles happen EVEN before we went out. We even pre-made small prophetic art pieces, cards, or gifts to pass out while on the streets in Seattle.
One day all 60 of the people on the trip gave away single flowers to people in the crowds of Pikes Place with a word of hope and love. Another day we designed simple paper crowns to hand out to students at the University of Washington along with a song, dance, poem, encouragement, or however led by God. There are no limits to love. We had permission to step out of the box in order to bless the beautiful students around. There were amazing cherry blossom trees in bloom on campus, it set a dream-like scene. Spring was in the air, hope was all around.
Many times throughout the trip I saw an article of clothing on random people and I was able to use it to speak life to them and show them that God sees them and loves them. For example, while in Whole Foods one day I saw a woman who wore a purple sweater and purple earnings and in my head I heard “queenly” and “royal”. So I said to the woman “excuse me, I just wanted to say to you that you are lovely in Gods sight and a queen, He sees you and loves you. You are royalty” and she looked at me pleasantly but also in shock and said back “yes, I know that actually. I am His daughter.” She recognized her identity as royal, as daughter of the King. We smiled at each other, like we both new this secret wonder from Jesus. She was greatly affirmed and encouraged and I simply spoke up. All I saw was her physical purple outfit and spoke to her what I saw her as… it was simple and easy. I don’t know what it did to her, only heaven knows. But, it is my joy to speak up. It is my joy to step out. It is my joy to see people the way God sees them. Seattle made me realize that it is very quite simple and can happen anywhere. I have found that it truly is my calling to create and to love. My own breakthrough is right past fear and too, someone could come to know Jesus as we step into love and take a bold risk.
our whole team at pikes place
making paper crowns
team photo before heading back down to California
In bloom at the campus of the University of Washington
I’m a goof. That is for sure. Always have been and always will be. I was lost there for a little bit, but that is just because I thought that being the “black sheep” was bad. I tried hiding who I am but, the thing is, you cant hide a black sheep. The black sheep will be seen and known. It’s time to stop trying to cover up yourself if you’re a black sheep or others who may be the black sheep. It is time to come fully alive! We get to love ourselves. That’s the only way we can really love others. Come to life! Find what you love to do, your skills or what you want to grow in and go for it!
Recently, I have decided that I am a creative! Firstly because my God is creative, that makes me (His creation) a creative being by nature. Now also I choose to create with God. I will encounter God while creating with Him. I love to try new things… in food especially! I love to experiment with flavors and colors. Since I am eating clean food, I may as well play with it and make it taste great!
Here’s to good clean food, healing, creatives, the mess, living life through eyes of hope, and learning to live with God in FIRST place.
When heat comes 