Good Grief

October 16, 2016- grieving settling (or trying to) back in the states

But,

I miss atole 

I miss hierba buena tea

I miss dipping tostadas gigantes with that hot tea when we didn’t have bread to dip in the tea 

I miss getting fresh eggs from our hens each morning 

And raising chickens and the chore I had a few times to kill to the chicken we were to eat for the lunch meal that day. 

I miss the view from the roof top over the city of Querétaro.

I miss the view from the roof of my house in Oaxaca, with a view over the coconut palms to all the way to the shore and now I am remembering the view from Snoopy Rock or from one of the orange trees at RSM.

I miss the miles of wild flowers and rock in Amealco. 

I miss Caro. 

I miss eating cactus fruit. 

Aw.

So much history. 

How can I keep from remembrance. All the memories flood back at night. I see everything so clearly as if I was there again, in each place again. Experiencing. It all is going so fast. I used to think each next step was so scary but I was always willing; then I made it through… now each next step is easier in faith and obedience. 

But even so, there is so much I am leaving behind not being in Mexico. I feel like a part of me has been ripped away and I don’t know what to do. 

I’m in awe of where I am at presently. I feel like it is an honor to be here. But all I’ve known for a so long, is there. 

I feel sadness rising up in me. A sadness I haven’t felt before. All I know to do is to give it up to Jesus.  I am hurting a lot and it is hard to adjust to this new way of doing life. How much am I suppose to adjust and how much am I not? Is one culture more important than the other? I am physically IN one culture but feel like my soul isn’t, my experiences aren’t here. I don’t even know. All I know is this is hard and I NEED to rise up higher and see. I need to see like Jesus sees. I will drown if I don’t rise above. What is God saying about all of this? 

He is so kind. His love is deep and wide for a reason. It reaches our deepest being. 

This love, this love, always liquid gold to me.

Bread & Life

Myself and others are hungry, hungry and waiting for what we think will satisfy us.

I know how I appear, I know my poverty and that I am broken.

I know that I am in need. Gathered around dirty and desperate.

We have been eating trash… but trash is not all I’ve ever known. At one time I knew life, I knew bread without blemish. Somehow I ended up here. Somehow I’ve settled for this.

Moldy and stale bread has “filled” our bellies.

As I wiped the leftover trash crumbs off of my face I saw someone a few feet away. He’d always been there but all of a sudden I took notice of Him. He was a familiar beauty that I hadn’t seen in so long. His eyes burned with love, passionate. Love that was kind, not arrogant or rude. 

There, in His hand He showed us a single loaf of bread and offered it. Not the kind we’d been used to consuming, but something familiar. It was bread that I once knew, the bread I know I’ve tasted before. Bread without blemish, without dirt… and certainly not someone else’s leftovers. 

I knew right away that which He offered was more than bread, it was freedom. You could see it in the expression on his face and from his body language. But, it seemed that no one else noticed or wanted to take the free gift. They hardly saw Him as they continued fighting over the trash. The pile of trash. I knew we had been shoveling in mouthfulls and yet there was an emptiness which never truly satisfied. 

I walked over closer now to Him looking into His eyes, wanting all that He offered. He SAW and knew the battle I was in and His arms stretched out to me further even. His eyes filled with tears of compassion still, allowing me to choose. I felt such grandness of impossibility taking up space in my own understanding… How could it be safe to leave the pile I grew to survive on? How could I walk away from the unquenchable desperation? The decision was made. My eyes filling with water and my throat burning, I turned back to the others and sat. I picked up a scrap of old bread and continued to eat the trash… sobbing in self pity and grief the whole time.  

And the One whose eyes burned with love was still there… His arms open with provision in His hands, unmoving.

————-

This was an open vision I had while sitting in Spanish school in Oaxaca on a break in 2014. I didn’t know what to do with it then and thought it was all about me. As I may have had a soul scene like this for a season, I knew it wasn’t for just myself. The word came back to me this year. I know it is a now word. Many, today, are settling for trash. Convincing ourselves that this world or that sitting in pain/shame cycles will fill. Interestingly enough, this trash that we have been binging on still never satisfies. The self pity we are sitting in is exchangeable. There is something better. Standing in front of us, we are offered the good stuff that you don’t have to fight to find…it is freely provided. Available is overflowing life where lack is non existant and there is no room for self pity. It takes a lot to stand up and walk away from the comfort of dysfunction. Not at all easy, but it really is simple. We have to decide to reach out and take it, forgetting all that we’ve known, forget all that we are comfortable with. Perhaps you’ve once tasted and have known the real bread, maybe you’ve seen hope and abundance at one time, but something has happened or something happened to you and well, here you are…this is where you’ve settled. Will I ever come out of this welfare-less dirty place? Will I ever taste hope again? Will I always fight and have to strive for something solid? Watching this scene play out in front of me I sat bawling in my chair, confused. Why did I not take what was obviously better, that which was obviously good, true, clean, & the real thing?  It was free. It was more than I needed. We have to know, only He can satisfy this hunger. Truly, only Jesus has all we need and more. At any moment you and I can stand up and walk away from the mess I’ve settled in, walk away from self pity and stand in His confidence. There is more in the risk. There is more in the unknown. You were never meant to be your own savior. Look up and accept what is freely given. Time to leave the old and welcome the new.