Intentionally surrender

At a young age I learned to let go.

At first it was out of defense. People were going to leave anyway. Things wouldn’t last long anyway. I figured I was safest going about life alone I didn’t fit the molds anyway.

Then I met God and He led me to keep letting go but not at all the same way. Let go of fear, let go of the things that never served me in my heart & mind. God never leaving, fully trustworthy, always present & willing to stick through the hard stuff… led me to let go again but maybe in a more frightening way. Walking with Him looks like entering into intimacy. Walls won’t last in his presence. So I let said yes. I let go again & again & again. So much surrender & such simple obedience. I know this is what shaped me & molded me… softened me when I was hard, rough & walled up. Oh, how I was walled up! Oh, my walls were so strong but I had them adorned with flowers. Cute, but still impossible to get through.

The surrendering brought a chisel-point jackhammer to my walls making in me vulnerable places. Exposed & weak. Surrender & soften. It was nothing I could ever bring about on my own. The jackhammer wasn’t my tool of choice, but it was the one needed to break through.

What got me though the crushing? Thankfulness for the end goal, awe & wonder throughout the process, trusting there was more, & deciding to stay engaged in each present moment. Self protection isn’t necessary with the one who is the best protector. One day I’ll figure this out in the depths of my being.

I heard once “you seem to have had it so easy walking with God.” Never easy, just responding “yes”, yes to all the demolition & holding on to the hope of renovation. It takes tuning your ear to hear. It takes a response & action when you hear the calling, the small voice inviting you into the uncomfortable, into risk, into more.

The work has been done, the work is being done. It has never been easy but it’s always been worth it. It’s not an exhausting striving in the process but rather a heart posture, a constant deciding in the spirit how you will live…what are you feeling & why? Look at it right away & let the light in.

The walls fall. Weakness isn’t what I once thought. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. Learning to hold everything gently, be present & fully alive in all the moments, use my authority & let go of what you can’t hold on to.